Yes, I feel lonely.
For about three years now, I’ve been into places that most people cannot even pronounce. I’ve met people whose names seem peculiar and to a certain extent even laughable. I’ve worked my ass off for a company that I love primarily because of my bosses and some people whom I genuinely want to help. I’ve done so many things, bought so many material wants, and played (errr, not at my proudest moment) with feelings of emotions and love.
And yes, I still feel lonely.
Not many would and can own up to the fact that you are lonely. Most would just pretend. And others simply ignore their loneliness and/or drown themselves into nonsense activities to fill the void that they are truly feeling. While very few called “the lucky ones” feel perfectly content. But not to be misled, at some point in their lives they too felt lonely. But when fate turned and smiled on them, they felt lonely no more. Like I said, lucky.
Recently, I’ve been meeting a lot of interesting guys -- the point of interest being that they’re in a relationship for years with their partner. And the best part is they find me interesting too. Am I destined to such relationships? Meeting people who are committed and I, as you may have already guessed become the… “If only.”
If only we met earlier.
If only I met you 6, 5, 3 years earlier.
If only I wasn’t committed… (I’d be with you!)
If only I were single.
If only I didn’t love my partner so much.
If only I weren’t in a rocky relationship that I’m still fighting to work out.
If only you’re willing to be my Number 2.
That’s the thing, I don’t feel and deserve like being number 2. I still believe I’m destined to be someone’s number 1 – wanted to say THE ONLY ONE but that seems asking for too much nowadays. It’s unfair to be even asked of such, don’t you think? To be the panakip-butas because there’s something you (I) could give that the other person either can’t or won’t.
I remember the time when he used to sing me love songs.
When we talked all night and laughed on stories of life.
I remember the time when he couldn’t wait to see me,
when he couldn’t even bare to leave because I mattered.
I remember when we used to talk about forever.
When goodnight meant more than it did,
But I love you.
When good morning meant,
Thank you
For being part of my life.
-0-
In case you failed to notice, I am lonely but not entirely unhappy. I just want to share a life, my life with someone other than friends and family. It’s different, I’m sure you know, when somebody cares, somebody who gives a damn.
It’s been a really long time. I’ve nearly forgotten. If only there were someone to remind me, someone who remembers that I like most people simply wants to feel important. Someone you will take the mask off for not because he wants to but because he deserves to see the real you…
Happy.
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo
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